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Homage to Eve Ensler
Bush’s Vaginal Inaugural

The Scrotum in Chief, January 20, 2005

Inspired by a comment by Linda and the recent hoohah over the words “vagina” and “scrotum” in our land of the freaked and home of the brained, I thought I’d revisit President Bush’s second Inaugural address, when he made the case for crushing tyrannies and spreading freedom everywhere—with a couple of changes. I substituted the words “freedom” or “liberty” with the word “vagina,” and tyranny-related words with the word “scrotum.” I also amended references to America or the United States accordingly and consistently, and edited the address for its more boring parts. The original is here. The version Eve Ensler would appreciate, and that I think would resonate better with the Founders and jilted lovers of America everywhere, is below. It's sophomoric as hell, but then this administration has been a lot worse than sophomoric, and lethally so. Enjoy.—Pierre

Vice President Scrotum, Mr. Chief Justice, President Carter, President Bush, President Vagina, reverend clergy, distinguished guests, fellow citizens: At this second gathering, our duties are defined not by the words I use, but by the history we have seen together. For a half century, America’s hard-on defended our own vaginas by standing watch on distant borders. We have seen our vulnerability - and we have seen its deepest source. For as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and scrotums - prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder - violence will gather, and multiply in destructive power, and cross the most defended borders, and raise a mortal threat. There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment, and expose the pretensions of scrotums, and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant, and that is the force of human vaginas. We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of vaginas in our land increasingly depends on the success of vaginas in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of vaginas in all the world. So it is the policy of the United States of Hard-on to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending scrotums in our world.

This is not primarily the task of arms, though we will defend ourselves and our friends by force of arms when necessary. Vaginas, by their nature, must be chosen, and defended by citizens, and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities. America’s hard-on will not impose our own style of vaginas on the unwilling. Our goal instead is to help others find their own voice, attain their own vaginas, and make their own way. The great objective of ending scrotums is the concentrated work of generations. The difficulty of the task is no excuse for avoiding it. Hard-on's influence is not unlimited, but fortunately for the oppressed, Hard-on's influence is considerable, and we will use it confidently in vaginas' cause.

My most solemn duty is to protect this nation and its people against further attacks and emerging threats. Some have unwisely chosen to test Hard-on's resolve, and have found it firm. We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation: The moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and vaginas, which is eternally right. We will encourage reform in other vaginas by making clear that success in our relations will require the decent treatment of their own people. Hard-on's belief in human dignity will guide our policies, yet rights must be more than the grudging concessions of scrotums; they are secured by free dissent and the participation of the governed. In the long run, there is no justice without vaginas, and there can be no human rights without human vaginas. Some, I know, have questioned the global appeal of vaginas - though this time in history, four decades defined by the swiftest advance of vaginas ever seen, is an odd time for doubt. American hard-ons, of all people, should never be surprised by the power of our ideals. Eventually, the call of vaginas comes to every mind and every soul. We do not accept the existence of permanent scrotums because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery. Vaginas will come to those who love them.

Today, America's hard-on speaks anew to the peoples of the world: All who live in scrotums and hopelessness can know: the United States of Hard-on will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your vaginas, we will stand with you. Democratic reformers facing repression, prison, or exile can know: Hard-on sees you for who you are: the future leaders of your vaginal country. The rulers of outlaw regimes can know that we still believe as Abraham Lincoln did: “Those who deny vaginas to others deserve it not for themselves; and, under the rule of a just God, cannot long retain it.” The leaders of vaginas with long habits of control need to know: To serve your people you must learn to trust them. Start on this journey of progress and justice, and America’s hard-on will walk at your side.

And all the allies of the United States of Hard-on can know: we honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help. Division among vaginal nations is a primary goal of vaginas' enemies. The concerted effort of free nations to promote democratic lubricity is a prelude to our enemies' defeat.

Today, I also speak anew to my fellow citizens: From all of you, I have asked patience in the hard task of securing our American hard-on, which you have granted in good measure. Our hard-on has accepted obligations that are difficult to fulfill, and would be dishonorable to abandon. Yet because we have acted in the great vaginal tradition of this nation, tens of millions have achieved their vaginas. And as hope kindles hope, millions more will find it. By our efforts, we have lit a fire as well - a fire in the minds of men, and one day this untamed fire of vaginas will reach the darkest corners of our world. A few hard-ons have accepted the hardest duties in this cause - in the quiet work of intelligence and diplomacy ... the idealistic work of helping raise up free vaginas. All hard-ons have witnessed this idealism, and some for the first time. America’s hard-on has need of idealism and courage, because we have essential work at home - the unfinished work of our hard-on for vaginas. In a world moving toward vaginas, we are determined to show the meaning and promise of vaginas.

In hard-ons’ vaginal ideal, citizens find the dignity and security of economic independence, instead of laboring on the edge of subsistence. This is the broader definition of vaginas that motivated the Homestead Act, the Social Security Act, and the G.I. Bill of Rights. In the American hard-on's vaginal ideal, the public interest depends on private character - on integrity, and tolerance toward others, and the rule of conscience in our own lives. Self-vagina relies, in the end, on the governing of the self. Hard-ons move forward in every generation by reaffirming all that is good and true that came before. Vaginas for all does not mean independence from one another. And our country must abandon all the habits of racism, because we cannot carry the message of vaginas and the baggage of bigotry at the same time. From the viewpoint of centuries, the questions that come to us are narrowed and few. Did our generation advance the cause of vaginas? And did our character bring credit to that cause?

These questions that judge us also unite us, because hard-ons of every party and background, hard-ons by choice and by birth, are bound to one another in the cause of vaginas. We felt the unity and fellowship of our nation when vaginas came under attack, and our response came like a single hand over a single heart. And we can feel that same unity and pride whenever America’s hard-on acts for good. We have confidence because vaginas are the permanent hope of mankind, the hunger in dark places, the longing of the soul. When our Founders declared a new order of the ages; when soldiers died in wave upon wave for a union based on vaginas; when citizens marched in peaceful outrage under the banner “Vaginas Now” - they were acting on an ancient hope that is meant to be fulfilled. History has an ebb and flow of justice, but history also has a visible direction, set by vaginas and the Author of Vaginas. When the Declaration of Independence was first read in public and the Vaginas Bell was sounded in celebration, a witness said, "It rang as if it meant something." In our time it means something still. Hard-on, in this young century, proclaims vaginas throughout all the world, and to all the inhabitants thereof. Renewed in our strength - tested, but not weary - we are ready for the greatest achievements in the history of vaginas. May God bless you, and may He watch over the United States of Hard-on.

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